EXTERMINATE!

Tuesday 29 January 2008

When it comes to getting over your ex there are a few things that help.

- Sleeping with someone much hotter than your ex (i.e bigger in the trouser snake department, more muscles)

- Focussing on your life and what you want - perhaps moving to a new place, starting a course or buying a monkey waiter.

- Bumping into him/her when you are looking uber hot and you realise that he/she wasn't actually that attractive in the first place.

- Remembering all the bad things about him/her - especially the funny ones like the way his cock veered to the left when hard or how that weird growth on her back did actually look like Pavarotti.

Realising that he/she bears a remarkable resemblance to a not so hot celebrity say for instance Marilyn Manson, Amy Winehouse or even Rhydian...

Honestly, they do really all work. I'm living proof. Now where is Chiquito with my Margarita and pasta salad? Naughty monkey.

SPEED DATING

Thursday 17 January 2008

Before the Tequila Extraordinaire that was my work's Christmas do, Myself, WB and Irish Mel decided that we should go Speed Dating. Not because we thought we'd find our perfect partner/soul mate/etc there but just to say that we'd been. I've always liked the idea of Speed Dating because I get very bored you see. I'm very rarely interested in someone on the first date, in fact I've never been really into anyone on a first date, it's usually been around the 3rd or 4th time we've met up that I realised I'd like to see them more because I do actually fancy them. So the idea of spending 3 minutes with someone appeals to me. I can normally tell after that long whether I'd ever want to see someone again anyway.

So a speed dating event was booked and we waited patiently for the big day to arrive.

Around it came in no time and after an annoying time with buses not showing up and the Victoria line not stopping at Oxford Circus, I met with IM and WB and headed to the venue.

When we got there we were told by the doorman that they weren't ready for us yet. This made me worry as we were well into the 'mingle' time before the dates were going to start. Not to mention that we were only joined by two other people. Hmmm a speed dating event with 4 girls and one guy, oh dear.

The doorman finally came back out and apologised saying he didn't realise we were here for the Speed Dating. I'm quite thankful for this as I don't think I would like to be an obvious Speed Dater. We all went in and were greeted by a VERY HAPPY HOST, oh yes you know the sort, did drama at uni and is only doing this so she can go to auditions during the day for artsy plays. She gave us our name badges with a number on it and showed us to the 'complimentary drink' tray.

The night was slowly getting worse, not only did I have all the hassle of getting there (thank you TFL!) but the complimentary drink was a fruit based cocktail. I dislike fruit juices. They just make me feel ill. I used to drink fruit juice all the time as a youngster in South Africa but when I moved to England I just stopped liking them. So I had to buy a drink.

I decided to play safe and go for Gin and lemonade.

"That'll be £7.30 please" said Barman
"Bloody hell - this better be the best gin and lemonade I've tasted in my life for that amount!" Said I.

I know prices in London are high but that was just plain ridiculous. After calming down from parting with seven whole English pounds and thirty of its finest pence, it was time to scan the room to see if there was anyone that I may fancy enough to enjoy my date and hopefully lead to potential snoggage.

In a nutshell (tee hee just had the thought of Austin Powers and his nutshell gag), there was no one. Not a single guy appealed to me. Oh well I thought - perhaps they'll have nice personalities (Ahem).

The bell sounded and the girls had to head to the table that had the same number as our badges. IM and I were literally right next to eachother. It was a very weird layout. Instead of being opposite your date (which would be the most effective layout) your date would have to sit next to you. Yipes.

The second bell rang and the boys came along. My first date was WB. Ironic really. Then the bell sounded again and my real speed dating experience began.

I'm not going to list all 20 dates because frankly I don't remember them but there were a few that stood out so here's a list (because everyone love a list!):

1. Slightly Ginger Boy

I actually got on really well with him and quite liked him. He wasn't massively attractive but we had a laugh. He was slightly ginger though.

2. Smelly Breath Boy

The trouble with having randoms sit next to you is that any bad odour of any sort will be picked up straight away. More so by me as I have a heightened sense of smell. He was a bit of an Essex boy and was ok looking but I couldn't get past the bad breath.

3. Greek Lads

A bunch of Cockneys with Greek heritage were there. They were all hilariously funny and I had a great time with them. Sadly no hunks but real characters.

and to save the best for last,

4. Complete and Utter Axe Murderer Psychopath Boy

Oh yes, this one was a classic. The bell went and suddenly this guy was next to me. I said hello in a friendly, chirpy voice, got down his number onto my sheet and then tried to make conversation. He sat next to me, looking straight ahead and would very slightly turn his head to answer my questions but he'd speak so quietly that I had to ask him to repeat what he was saying 4 times. 3 minutes seemed like an eternity. He was easily the freakiest guy I have ever met. It turns out that he could hardly speak English and I kid you not, was from Transylvania. Now I've often thought I'd make a great vampire (except that I can't stand the taste of blood) because of my name but I'd like my boyfriend vampire to be a bit more like Brad Pitt (Interview with a Vampire) or even Spike (Buffy) but not this weird almost worm like creature.

At the end of the night we stayed for a few more drinks. The Greek boys bought IM and I loads of drinks and we were all having a good time. IM and I then decided to leave as we fancied a bit of boogying. We came out to be greeted by loads and loads of photographers. It was so weird and a little intimidating really. The paps realised we weren't anyone to bother with so turned around to chat to eachother as before. I decided to ask one of them who they were waiting for (hey if there's a chance I could be within 1 mile of Colin Firth I'm going to need to know!). He replied with ' Y'know that Kimberley bird from Girls Aloud'. Bubble. Pin. Pop.

The next day WB and I logged into our profiles to see if anyone had ticked us as a yes. 5 people ticked WB. I'd have been happy with 5 but I've clearly underestimated my popularity with plain looking people! I got a whopping 19 out of 20.

I had a Hollywood expectation of Speed Dating. I'd sit there supping my drink and Smith from Sex in the City would show up. He'd have the comic genius of Ryan Stiles and wit of Stephen Fry. We'd have amazing banter and then we'd head back to mine and shag all night long. It's fair to say that, if I could have afforded Tequila shots at the event, my night quite possibly would've been exactly that. Except of course in the morning (if I was still alive) Smith would've mysteriously disappeared leaving Complete and Utter Axe Murderer Psychopath Boy in his stead.

TIS THE SEASON TO GET WASTED FA LA LA LA LA

Thursday 10 January 2008

From being the girl who hardly drunk much at all, I've certainly made up for it at Christmas! I don't think I was tucked up in bed before 2am for the entire month of December.

This Christmas was my first ever big Work Christmas do. I had to buy a posh dress and everything. I've had numerous work do's but I've always worked for small companies where I'm the youngest by about 20 years so it's always been quite low key, mainly a big meal out - hardly a tremor on the ol' party Richter scale.

The evening started well enough. All the girls got ready together in the gym changing rooms and then we had posh cars (with blacked out windows...ooooh...) take us to the venue.

There were loads of people there already and after shoving coats and bags into the cloakroom and nabbing our welcome cocktails it was time for mingling.

The jesting phrase of "I'll get the drinks in" was heard numerously (It was a free bar all night) and people watching for the waiting staff with trays of canapes like lions stalking prey were mocked. After a few drinks, I was mingled out and went to find my team mates. I get on really well with the two guys on my team, more so with Work Boy (WB) as we sit right next to eachother. We have the same sense of humour and we just click. We rip the piss out of eachother and everyone else we work with and we just have a great rapport.

Around about 1am things started to get a bit hazy. In fact the last thing I can remember clearly is someone asking if I wanted a double shot of Tequila and me responding "Sure - woooo Tequila!"

The rest of this story is my slow remembrance of what happened post Work Christmas Do.

After the Tequila shots I remember standing next to and chatting away to WB. I then turned to the person on my right and started talking to them. Whilst talking to them I felt an arm around my waist. I realised it was WB and assumed he wanted to say something to me, so I turned around to talk to him and we were then suddenly really close, sort of hugging. Then it happened. I'm absolutely sure he started it. We were kissing. Not in a quiet corner out of the way - no no no - right in full view of the few colleagues who had made it to the end of night.

At about 3am the club closed and we all headed up and out. I was insistent that I would catch the night bus home but one of the other girls I work with told WB that under no certain terms was I allowed to get a bus and that he should walk me to a taxi rank. So off WB and I trundled to Trafalgar Square to get a cab. At some point during the walk I decided that I could not be bothered to walk all the way there and then get into a cab to go all the way to Clapham. It was then decided that we'd go back to WB's as he lives in London Bridge and we were close to where he could get the night bus. He'd sleep on the sofa and I'd have his bed. Plan.

Whilst waiting for the bus, we started smooching again. Whilst on the bus, we smooched. Whilst walking to his, I fell into a bush in a little courtyard - he helped me up and we smooched.

By the time we got back to his it was about 4am and we had to be up in 3 hours to go to work. Shockingly, the Plan (see above) did not come into fruition and we got into the same bed. Me in one of his shirts (there was no way I was going to sleep in my posh frock!) and well we smooched, amongst other things.

2 hours later the alarm went off and I felt as though I had been trampled by a herd of buffalo. WB had to be at work before me so he got up and asked if I was ok. I told him to go on ahead as I needed to have a shower and try and look somewhat human. I had to buy new clothes so the walk of shame wasn't too painful and luckily my hair looked ok.

I walked into the office trying to avoid looking at people. I was so thankful that I only had half a day in the office. My team and two others had pulled together to go out for Christmas lunch and at 12 I would be heading off to Chez Bruce. As the morning went on I felt more and more rough. So far nothing had been said about the night before and WB felt just as crappy as me so we didn't talk much. Ten minutes before leaving for lunch I went over to my colleague who was going to cover my phone. She asked about the previous night and then smirked and said "A little birdie told me something verrrry interesting" I said "Oh yes, what was that then" to which she replied "Wellllll I hear that you and - *whispers* - WB got it on last night." I turned bright red and nodded. I was asked if I went back to his and managed to lie and say noooo nothing like that.

I have never been office scandal before - it's quite embarrassing but really amusing at the same time.

At 12, all of us headed out to get taxis to the restaurant, we had to split up in groups and my colleague Essex Girl, myself and WB all jumped into a cab. By this time WB and I were feeling so ill. The cab ride was easily the most painful experience I have ever had. EG did not attend the party so she was unaware of what happened. After 45 minutes of hell we finally arrived and I jumped out of the cab so fast - Superman would've been proud.

We had a private function room in the restaurant and were served pink champagne. My stomach balked at the idea of polluting it with more booze so I stuck to water. Out of the 17 people there only 3 of us knew what had happened the night before. I sat next to Perky Rotation Boy who had plied me with the Tequila the night before and he sat next to WB. Throughout the entire lunch WB and I were taken the piss out of for being so hungover. We were grilled for any gossip. Each time we were asked if anything juicy happened PRB would grin at us both - I'm amazed he didn't drop us in it. I think I would've died of embarrassment if the teams we were lunching with had found out. They wouldn't have let it drop.

I was so hungover that I actually had the shivers. I've never felt that bad in my life. After the meal the head honchos of the teams started playing drinking games. I was harassed until I agreed to down half a glass of wine for losing a game of rock, paper scissors. Dreadful. I ended up finally dragging myself home at 9pm and literally falling into bed.

The weekend passed and Monday came along all too quickly. WB had called in sick and so I was left to face the wolves on my own. I was sitting at my desk waiting for the teasing to commence. By 2pm I had relaxed slightly only to look up and see my other team mate walking back toward me with a big grin on his face. All he said was 'Celeste Celeste Celeste!, and I knew he'd found out. I innocently replied with an enquiring yes and he then said "So, WB isn't in today huh? I hope you haven't caught what he has" Just as he was going to lay into me more, my phone rang. Phew.

Since then the incident has never been mentioned. WB and I have fallen back into how we were before the Night of 1000 Smooches and everything is cool. To this day no one knows that I went back with him so what could've have been seriously juicy gossip stayed as slightly moist gossip.

It's just well, Id never really seen him *that* way before the incident and now well, I sort of, kind of, perhaps a little bit, well fancy him. Nothing more will come of it as it's totally inappropriate - we sit next to eachother, he's on my team and well he's theoretically my boss.

Ahh Tequila, we salute you!

I JUST WANT YOUR EXTRA TIME AND YOUR........KISS!

Tuesday 8 January 2008

Happy 2008!

I trust you all had a great Christmas and New Year. My Christmas was lovely. I spent it down in Devon with my entire family and was spoilt rotten. It was slightly marred by me falling down some rocks and scraping most of the skin off my hands but I'm a trooper - even if I did have to get my Mum to wash my hair for the next few days. I'm still bearing the scars now.

My New Year's was fairly uneventful but then it always is!

I had quite possibly the craziest December ever. My Christmas parties started on the 1st and then pretty much everyday I was out celebrating with various colleagues, friends etc.

So this week expect a story about why I should really not drink double shots of tequila at Work Christmas do's.

I also have more introductions to the males in my life and updates on Mr Frankly!