« Tis the season to get wasted fa la la la la | Main | Exterminate! »


Thursday 17 January 2008

Before the Tequila Extraordinaire that was my work's Christmas do, Myself, WB and Irish Mel decided that we should go Speed Dating. Not because we thought we'd find our perfect partner/soul mate/etc there but just to say that we'd been. I've always liked the idea of Speed Dating because I get very bored you see. I'm very rarely interested in someone on the first date, in fact I've never been really into anyone on a first date, it's usually been around the 3rd or 4th time we've met up that I realised I'd like to see them more because I do actually fancy them. So the idea of spending 3 minutes with someone appeals to me. I can normally tell after that long whether I'd ever want to see someone again anyway.

So a speed dating event was booked and we waited patiently for the big day to arrive.

Around it came in no time and after an annoying time with buses not showing up and the Victoria line not stopping at Oxford Circus, I met with IM and WB and headed to the venue.

When we got there we were told by the doorman that they weren't ready for us yet. This made me worry as we were well into the 'mingle' time before the dates were going to start. Not to mention that we were only joined by two other people. Hmmm a speed dating event with 4 girls and one guy, oh dear.

The doorman finally came back out and apologised saying he didn't realise we were here for the Speed Dating. I'm quite thankful for this as I don't think I would like to be an obvious Speed Dater. We all went in and were greeted by a VERY HAPPY HOST, oh yes you know the sort, did drama at uni and is only doing this so she can go to auditions during the day for artsy plays. She gave us our name badges with a number on it and showed us to the 'complimentary drink' tray.

The night was slowly getting worse, not only did I have all the hassle of getting there (thank you TFL!) but the complimentary drink was a fruit based cocktail. I dislike fruit juices. They just make me feel ill. I used to drink fruit juice all the time as a youngster in South Africa but when I moved to England I just stopped liking them. So I had to buy a drink.

I decided to play safe and go for Gin and lemonade.

"That'll be £7.30 please" said Barman
"Bloody hell - this better be the best gin and lemonade I've tasted in my life for that amount!" Said I.

I know prices in London are high but that was just plain ridiculous. After calming down from parting with seven whole English pounds and thirty of its finest pence, it was time to scan the room to see if there was anyone that I may fancy enough to enjoy my date and hopefully lead to potential snoggage.

In a nutshell (tee hee just had the thought of Austin Powers and his nutshell gag), there was no one. Not a single guy appealed to me. Oh well I thought - perhaps they'll have nice personalities (Ahem).

The bell sounded and the girls had to head to the table that had the same number as our badges. IM and I were literally right next to eachother. It was a very weird layout. Instead of being opposite your date (which would be the most effective layout) your date would have to sit next to you. Yipes.

The second bell rang and the boys came along. My first date was WB. Ironic really. Then the bell sounded again and my real speed dating experience began.

I'm not going to list all 20 dates because frankly I don't remember them but there were a few that stood out so here's a list (because everyone love a list!):

1. Slightly Ginger Boy

I actually got on really well with him and quite liked him. He wasn't massively attractive but we had a laugh. He was slightly ginger though.

2. Smelly Breath Boy

The trouble with having randoms sit next to you is that any bad odour of any sort will be picked up straight away. More so by me as I have a heightened sense of smell. He was a bit of an Essex boy and was ok looking but I couldn't get past the bad breath.

3. Greek Lads

A bunch of Cockneys with Greek heritage were there. They were all hilariously funny and I had a great time with them. Sadly no hunks but real characters.

and to save the best for last,

4. Complete and Utter Axe Murderer Psychopath Boy

Oh yes, this one was a classic. The bell went and suddenly this guy was next to me. I said hello in a friendly, chirpy voice, got down his number onto my sheet and then tried to make conversation. He sat next to me, looking straight ahead and would very slightly turn his head to answer my questions but he'd speak so quietly that I had to ask him to repeat what he was saying 4 times. 3 minutes seemed like an eternity. He was easily the freakiest guy I have ever met. It turns out that he could hardly speak English and I kid you not, was from Transylvania. Now I've often thought I'd make a great vampire (except that I can't stand the taste of blood) because of my name but I'd like my boyfriend vampire to be a bit more like Brad Pitt (Interview with a Vampire) or even Spike (Buffy) but not this weird almost worm like creature.

At the end of the night we stayed for a few more drinks. The Greek boys bought IM and I loads of drinks and we were all having a good time. IM and I then decided to leave as we fancied a bit of boogying. We came out to be greeted by loads and loads of photographers. It was so weird and a little intimidating really. The paps realised we weren't anyone to bother with so turned around to chat to eachother as before. I decided to ask one of them who they were waiting for (hey if there's a chance I could be within 1 mile of Colin Firth I'm going to need to know!). He replied with ' Y'know that Kimberley bird from Girls Aloud'. Bubble. Pin. Pop.

The next day WB and I logged into our profiles to see if anyone had ticked us as a yes. 5 people ticked WB. I'd have been happy with 5 but I've clearly underestimated my popularity with plain looking people! I got a whopping 19 out of 20.

I had a Hollywood expectation of Speed Dating. I'd sit there supping my drink and Smith from Sex in the City would show up. He'd have the comic genius of Ryan Stiles and wit of Stephen Fry. We'd have amazing banter and then we'd head back to mine and shag all night long. It's fair to say that, if I could have afforded Tequila shots at the event, my night quite possibly would've been exactly that. Except of course in the morning (if I was still alive) Smith would've mysteriously disappeared leaving Complete and Utter Axe Murderer Psychopath Boy in his stead.

Posted by Celeste at January 17, 2008 09:24 AM | TrackBack


YOu have far bigger balls than me miss Cel, I could never go speed dating.

Aren't you fascinated to find out who is the one who didn't tick you? I would be going crazy trying to find out who that was!

Posted by: Fern at January 18, 2008 06:14 AM

Fern - Nahhh - he's clearly mentally insane for not ticking me!!! ;o) It was actually a good laugh - the trick is to go with friends and not take it seriously. I've been gifted in the fact that I can talk to pretty much anyone. Granted it's normally bollocks but hey it's still talking!

Posted by: Celeste at January 18, 2008 06:18 AM

Hehe I went speed dating once, due to having to leave early I left with less women than I went in with!

I broke the rule a little bit by going straight to the woman I liked the look of and convincing the other bloke he must have gotten confused, she liked my trick so much she gave me her number =D

Posted by: Oli at January 18, 2008 02:31 PM

"I've clearly underestimated my popularity with plain looking people!"

Oh you made me laugh! You should patent that line, its a craker!

Sounds like a good laugh though.

Posted by: TheBoy at January 21, 2008 07:13 AM

I went speed dating once. I got two "matches" (I made sure not to tick fat ugly people). Both of which were clinically insane. Figure that out.

Nevertheless, it was a tremendous amount of fun, and would do it again.

Posted by: Rhys at January 22, 2008 02:21 PM

I was about to say how brave you are but then I'm hardly one to talk ;)

Posted by: nuttycow at January 23, 2008 04:55 PM

The Anti-Christ was always a clone host, as were all industrialists, and the coming Biblical battle of good and evil will be scripted and fake as well, and likely only be telepathic theater at that.

This is how the gods manage clone hosting::::
Gangsters of the 20s and 30s were too evil to reward them with the sucess seen in corporate America, so the gods took them out and put people into those clone hosts whom were not evil. The gods rotate based on goals, so it is possible they were rotated throuh when corporate was so wicked in the 1980s.
There is a BIG difference between preditory corporate/media and decent corporate:::::Media items as I list below were used to prey on people, so the gods UTILIZE evil in the context of these clone hosts. These same people would be prohibited from working "quiet time" in corporate because they dont have the favor necessary to NOT incurr evil.
There are two "temples" at work here::::Good and evil.
The gods focus on their evil temples, corporate, media and associated temptations.
They don't even WANT people LOOKING at the good temples and seek to minimize their presence amist the "noise":::::Their temptations attempt to bury the religious life necessary for decency.

The gods place people with variable morality within clone hosts according to what goals they want accomplished.
They are, in effect, "temps" (a clue).
Expect my desire to kill these "temps" who have crossed me to be unrealized symbolism the gods could have used to enhance this theater, if I was willing.
Expect they dropped many of these clues, created many of these enhancements for the Situation::::::There was a good Jesus who taught before age 30. The switch was made, just as with Mohammed, except the Bible only represents the evil Jesus. Good Jesus's real teachings lie elsewhere, perhaps under a different name, perhaps DELETED forever.
The difference is Earth is Planet Reverse Positioning and Christianity is evil. Consistant with this posiotioning the gods may want to send this clue by switching me and having the clone host assume some traditional bullshit Christian teachings.
Remember::::If Christianity is evil then maybe the (real) Anti-Christ is the good one. The gods may want to mix things up like this.

Story on the Dynasty that Won Only in Crisis.
"You donít get anything. Eveything happens around you."
They said this Sutituation's theme was reflected in Forrest Gump. Other elements of the Situation were justified with a marriage between good and evil::::
Mondavi chardonnay reserve - Sideways
Grand Cayman banking - Finding Nemo
Chevron mascots - Cars
Japs - Ultraman's Iron Man
This is a long, long list. Friday we add another half-billion to the total.
Just as we saw with Cars, when some cronie from Hollywood claimed credit when Cars was quite obviously a Chevron inspiration, so did I see some old man claim credit for Iron Man.
The Japs aren't John Rockafeller. The Japs are about the offensive, as their products will attest, and providing this "protection" as they did for Chevron shows inferior judgement of the gods yet again.
The gods willl offer clues suggesting my involvement, tying me to the event for the disfavored's understanding, ensuring the connection is made without actually admitting it OR compensating me.
I was talking about Sideways a lot and I sguess they decided to (finally) allow the Mondavi death to send this clue. Expect similar clues showing I am the element of good they used to justify Sex in The City.
Here comes another $500,000,000.
Just as they sent an important clue with Boss so too is this is a clue::::::Abandon any preconceptions of entitlement.

Sex in the City isn't the Beatles but this concept was specifically designed to be preditory on women who, as they aged, were candidates for exclusion because of their promiscuity:::::
I believe there are opportunities that exist for females that do no exist for males. I don't mean to paint with a broad brush but women's "sexual peak" may represent the transistion to "sociological males" and their "fall from grace". Considering today's promiscuity I question the extent to which this is currently applicable.
This was the purpose of this event originally::::To promote sexual promiscuity among impressionable disfavored women.
Admittedly, this is a done deal. Their fans likely own seasons, and the damage from the movie will only serve to revisit the established destruction.
Nothing compared to the Beatles in terms of popular culturue destruciton to the most favoredd gender.
We don't need to witness the British Invasion to see the evil of the English either. The gods drop many clues, associating English accents with evil.frequently.
Mark my words their "creative banking" is the element of evil the gods used as justification for the creation of Finding Nemo.

This is the REAL battle of good and evil.

Posted by: Lasix@Vegas.com at June 8, 2008 06:27 PM


Remember personal info?