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MUTTERINGS

Wednesday 11 July 2007

The past week or so has made me think about things. My housemate had a bit of an emotional night the other night over her ex. She was with him for 4 months and they have been apart for 6 months. Throughout the break up whenever one of them has been drunk they have texted eachother. She just can't seem to get over him and they met for lunch last week which provoked the emotional scene that night. All of this sparked me off to thinking about my break up. For a long time, in fact up until about a month or so ago I felt like I was a bit of a loser for still getting a bit upset about things. I mean it was a year ago and he had so clearly moved on with his life around about 7 minutes and 40 seconds after he dumped me, finding a new partner was no problem and he was happy to jump into another relationship not long after coming out of a pretty serious relationship. So why was it taking me longer? Why did I still miss him and wonder what the hell happened and why he broke up with me in such a cowardly way? Those thoughts plagued me for a long time and it's only until something happens or someone says something that you take stock and you think hang on, I don't actually feel that way anymore. It first happened on holiday in Egypt. I was in paradise. It was the most fantastic place I have ever been and I realised one night that I didn't care that I wasn't sharing it with him. I didn't want to share it with him. The second time it happened was when I was trying to calm Lizzie down. She was saying how great her life is now and how she wished her ex could be a part of it. I realised that I too have a great life. I love where I work, I love where I live, I love my housemates and I love who I am and I also realised that I didn't want my ex to be a part of my new life. This is my new life without him and I don't want him to be a part of it. He is my past and that is where he will stay. It is why when I discovered that my friends on Facebook had added him as a facebook friend I got upset. For starters I think it's a bit weird that your ex would seek out your friends and add them and secondly everytime his name flashes up it feels as though he is making an appearance in my new life and I don't like it, I want to forget him. The most recent incident was on Saturday. I went to Southampton for my friend's birthday and instead of feeling a little sick when I went past landmark stations (in the first year we were together I travelled down to Southampton from Reading on weekends and would get so excited when I neared Southampton and certain spots I remember exactly how I felt when I knew I would be with him soon), I just smiled. Then when Mel and I were sitting in the garden I gave her the birthday present I had made. I have not made a single piece of jewellery since the break up and I had spent all of last week making Mel a necklace. Whilst making it I remembered how much I loved creating something and that I do have good ideas and so I have decided to work towards setting up my own side business again. I'm changing my old logo and designs and colour schemes as the old one reminds me of old me and with the help of a great graphic designer I am creating a new gorgeous logo. I told Mel about all this and she just hugged me and said "It is so wonderful to see you, well, fixed! You are glowing and I can tell you are genuinely happy" and I thought yes actually she's right I am so happy.

I have had a few boyfriends in my time but only two very serious ones and I am lucky that both of them are genuinely great guys. My first 'proper' boyfriend is dependable, generous, has a marvellous dry sense of humour and is a great hugger (he gives lovely hugs). We just were so wrong for eachother. The hardest part of that break up was knowing that I would be losing a brother really. I loved him but as a brother. I cared for him deeply and a lot of the time it was misconstrued as me not being 'over' him which was tosh as I had fallen out of love with him a long time before we split up. He was my best friend and I just missed him as that best friend. My most recent ex was extremely hard to get over and sadly I doubt we will ever be able to be friends because I loved him so much. It is too hard to have him in my life as nothing more than a friend. It was mainly so hard getting over him because I couldn't hate him. I loved him so deeply and I get a bit scared that I won't love someone as much (I'm sure I will but hey I have my paranoias!). He is a great looking guy, is funny, strong (physically), a great cook and tidy. I fancied him so much and we had a fantastic sex life!

As for me, I think I'll stay single for a little while yet. I am having fun and I have no interest in jumping into another relationship. I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. I don't need another half to make me whole, I just want someone to add to my brilliant life. I don't feel as though there is anything missing.

Posted by Celeste at July 11, 2007 07:48 AM | TrackBack


COMMENTS

*applauds*

Posted by: Rad at July 12, 2007 03:30 AM

Thanks hun. Love you oodles!

Posted by: Celeste at July 12, 2007 03:46 AM

You're doing just fine, lady :)
Keep on having fun - that's an order!

Posted by: anxious at July 12, 2007 01:56 PM

I never appreciated what you meant about not needing someone until i came away. You know exactly what i was like but now i agree with you 200%

Life's a magical experience that will continually throw shit at you, some more than others. If you can come through that smiling and not smelling too bad you have every reason to be proud of yourself. I have so much respect for you and although only briefly entering your life i love and respect you very much!

It makes me happy to hear of you being so happy! Long may it continue xx

Posted by: Guy at July 12, 2007 08:36 PM

Anx - Yes Ma'am! That is an order I will follow!

Guy - That is such a lovely comment. Thank you so much. Do I get to say i told you so yet? ;o)

Posted by: Celeste at July 13, 2007 03:38 AM

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