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MORE REFLECTION - MUST STOP LOOKING IN THAT MIRROR!
Wednesday 11 April 2007
As per my last post - I have been very reflective of late. Although most of my reflection has been twinged with sadness I don't feel I am depressed or anything crazy. I'm not down at all. Just well reflective.
As well as seeing old pictures of my Dad and I and old home videos, one of the musicals I starred in when I was about 15/16 was on one of the videos we watched on Monday night.
I loved being on stage and if it wasn't for the fact that I don't have the confidence and belief in my self at present (I'm working on it - being dumped takes a lot out of you y'know) I'd be in a theatre group singing and acting my heart out again. It's weird but since the 'being chucked' episode I just have not been able to do anything creative anymore. I haven't even made any jewellery. Anyway I'm blathering.
When I was part of the Theatre group I was in my element. I loved it. I landed many lead roles and pushed and pushed myself to give a better performance at each rehearsal and showing. It was during this time I had my first infatuation with someone. There was a member of the theatre group, hmmm let's call him Mr G, that I fancied the pants off of. He was everything I ever wanted in a bloke. Confident, outgoing, hilariously funny, good looking, talented and he just had this amazing charisma. The only trouble was that he was married. Which was such a shame as we clicked. We played many lead roles together because our chemistry was so amazing. I lived for Thursday evenings and Sundays because I'd get to see him again.
I had to give up acting in the end as I started working full time and as I worked in retail it was hard to arrange it so I didn't work Sundays or Thursday evenings and sadly I had to earn money. It was on my last performance that Mr G and I took our on stage romance to 'real' life. It's not something I'm particularly proud of and nothing awfully serious happened we met a few times and at most snogged - I was still young and sex was a major deal then. But as far as I was concerned I loved him. Anyway it all fizzled out in the end due to various incidents but I never stopped carrying a 'torch' for him.
I have yet to meet anyone who I have instantly been attracted to like that and had that much of a spark with. Each attraction is different. Past experiences have found me being attracted to someone after the 5th or 6th 'date', 3rd date, being attracted to someone on the first and then not on the 2nd and so on and so forth.
I hadn't thought about Mr G for a long time. In the past few years I would think of him now and again and wish I could meet someone like him (without being married!) but when I saw him appear in this video, all my feelings for him gushed back. I had forgotten how handsome he was and how his amazing stage presence was.
Since then I have thought about him a fair bit and I feel the same as I did all those years ago. I imagine it will fade again and that I'm only feeling the way I do because I've had such a trip down memory lane this week but I'm just getting all my thoughts down.
I don't have any regrets about my past. Yes I am not proud of some of it but I wouldn't be the person I am today (and sometimes just sometimes I am fucking awesome) without it.
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